Friendship can be stretched to breaking point when one person does not respect the other's boundaries. "It can be a great burden having the best friend label," says psychologist and author, Dorothy Rowe.I saw an interesting article about "Friendships"in my English exam's paper during the first examination of March.I love and appreciate it very muchso I would like to share this article with all of you.. :PLast but not least, wish you all enjoy it and will get some benefit by this post..Have a Happy Reading!
"When I worked with depressed women, they expected their loved ones to be totally loyal. I had to explain that all relationships have limits. People with demanding friends need to learn how to say no, how not to put their friends needs over their own."
There are a number of reasons why friendships end. You have fewer values in common, the edgy competiton which sustained your friendship becomes irksome, your friend makes you feel guilty and her company ceases to be pleasurable. Thankfully, most endings are mutual burning out or drifting apart. The spaces between get-togethers lengthen, calls go unreturned, and you quietly drop off each other's festival card list. It is sad but no great loss. But what happens when the relationship is ailing and your friend does not want to let go? That is when you may have to take positive action, and it can be traumatic for both of you.
"It's very common for women to maintain relationships they would love to get out of," says Rowe. She adds that, "Women do it out of habit, guilt, apathy and reluctance to hurt someone's feelings or be seen as hard."
"As most of us change geographically and intellectually, in terms of our personal development, we're likely to outgrow most of our friendships. The more you have been through in life, the harder it is to find an actual "fit" in terms of getting on with people," says another psychologist, Gael Lindenfield. "So, when is enough enough? We all have different tolerance levels and the simple rule is, when your friendship is causing you more angst than pleasure, it is time to get out. Of course we all know that is not that easy. Splitting from a friend is a difficult thing to do, especially as most women want to be liked and find it hard to assert themselves in their personal friendships," says Lindenfield.
"Prepare as you would for an interview - practice what you want to say and, if it helps, write a script and imagine yourself succeeding. Do not be afraid of a crisis - perhaps your friend needs a showdown to make her re-evaluate her life and take action," she continues. "But try to be honest without playing therapist or criticizing her. Instead, explain how the relationship is not working because you always feel upset, angry and miserable after you have been together or tell her how you have moved on to become a different person."
Psychotherapist Susan Irving takes it even further. "Only if you are trying to save the friendship is it worth the pain and difficulty of being honest," she says. So, why are there so many successful, sane women who end up looking after lost souls and crisis-junkies? Irving says, "For every extrovert, there is a hidden introvert. When an extrovert person is looking after someone who is unhappy or insecure, they are really looking after the introvert part of themselves." Whichever path you choose, the point is that you do not have to cling to all your friendships, whether you want it or not. And the really exciting thing about ending unsatisfactory relationships is that you are actually making more time to spend with people you really love. :)
Adapted from The Star, 2005
